By Dr. Christine A. Pinnock
Only six weeks of summer remain, now that the glow of high school graduation has faded, many of you may be wondering when this semi-adult is going to leave your home and be out on their own. The reality is that unless you’ve set up a generous trust fund, your high school graduate is going nowhere because the economic reality and rising costs of living is that your high school graduate can only afford to live in a homeless shelter. I don’t know of any high school graduate with an established credit history who can afford to get an apartment on their own, coming up with a deposit, first month’s rent and utilities.
During the past few months I’ve had some very uncomfortable conversations with parents of young adults about them facing reality about the children they’ve raised. One relative feels that once their children graduates that their job as parents is over, to which my response was if you’d expressed that opinion 18 years ago, I would’ve advised your spouse not to marry you. To me, that’s a deal breaker that should’ve been discussed and addressed prior to conception. Another, said that they felt that children are either born leaders, or they aren’t. I disagreed and told the relative that no quality is innate but all characteristics must be cultivated and reinforced over time.
Leadership is one of those characteristics, and one doesn’t raise leaders when they’re invested in being helicopter parents. Either you’re going to loosen the reins and give your children space to fail and think critically about starting over, or you’re going to do all the work for them and then be frustrated when they’re high school graduates who show no initiative. I also have a few relatives who nitpick at every single thing their child does, and then wonders why they’re child isn’t assertive.
Parents you can’t have it both ways, and the reality is that in order for you to raise the kinds of children who grow up to be confident, assertive leaders it will require you to shut the f*&k up about a lot of stuff that in the grand scheme of things is completely inconsequential and refrain from the remarks that do absolutely nothing to build your child’s character. Is this about showering your children with accolades? No, but it is about having honest discussions about your children’s deficiencies and providing opportunities for them to improve upon areas of proficiency and supporting them in the areas that need development.
It never ceases to amaze me how parents who do every single thing but chew food and fart for their children are completely dumbfounded when their high schooler doesn’t know how to do laundry or refuses to wash dishes. If you never established a system of consequences throughout their entire childhood and your child has been consistently rewarded for not fulfilling certain obligations, then turning 18 will not change that. You have essentially committed to having a grown child in your home until they’re 30 (and now with the pandemic 45) so live with the choices you’ve made and don’t berate your teenagers into submission. You now have to do the heavy lifting of parenting that you actively chose not to do when they were younger.
Recognize that parenting is a sacrifice, so if you don’t want to cry about not having money for college tuition despite having spent thousands of dollars on private school, then perhaps you needed to have done more research on public schools in your area, and use a portion of the money to pay for tutoring. During the course of my business and over the years I’ve taught college, nothing irritates me more than to encounter young adults whose parents spent thousands of dollars on private school and Catholic school and their children can’t even get into a decent state school, or they’re going to community college.
Years ago, when I taught SAT prep courses, I tutored a high schooler whose parents recognized that their son would never pass the SAT but he needed additional tutoring to help him with reading so he could pass the exams to become a licensed contractor in the construction industry. The mother said to me that the father was going to turn the business over to his son one day, and “this kid needs to be able to get through a training manual.” After working with him for several weeks, he was able to pass the exam because I taught him how to read strategically, and for a young man who always hated reading, you saw a visible change in his confidence levels. I congratulated the parents on accepting the child they raised, recognizing his deficiencies, and investing wisely in making sure that their son had the necessary tools to obtain long term financial security.
Parents it’s upon you to create the conditions to help them transition to adulthood, and you will be required to begin a new phase of parenting young adults that is basically down to a coin toss depending on the individuals you raised. If you raised individuals with personalities indicate that they are quick observers who learn through observation (not fixation or being envious of the accomplishments or failures of others) then some of these skills may just require several weeks of conversations/trainings on the necessary tools needed in life.
If you raised individuals whose personalities reflect a stubbornness and tenacity that demand that they need firsthand experience that closely placing their palms over open fires burns hands, then those skills and lessons may take years to acquire. Hey, it’s what you chose to do every single time you couldn’t be bothered or were so stressed about life, you checked out on life and parenting in multiple ways.
What’s important moving forward is that you hold yourself accountable and do the work to make the repairs. If you don’t, you’ve resigned that other people will now parent your young adult/adult. Other people who may not have the best intentions for your loved one. Be forewarned that the toxicity that often comes from those relationship dynamics usually reflect a level of toxicity that may or may not lead to your young adult being subjected to abuse or exploitation. The likelihood of the latter is unfortunately very high. Either way you’re putting in that work, so roll up your sleeves and do that labor because if the individual you’re looking at seems aimless and is severely lacking in skills, you haven’t given them the tools to succeed, you’ve set them up to fail. If you’re lacking certain skills, you can’t teach what you haven’t learned, so commit to doing the work on yourself so you can help your young adults recognize that we are all works in progress.
Life is a journey in which we should be in a constant state of learning and growth; being able to model that mindset lets your children know that you have your own personal goals, and it’s not to be in a constant space of rescuing adult children in their time of need. A time will come when adult children need to rescue themselves, but it should be a time when you know when you get that call, you can be supportive and encouraging instead of draining all of your resources repeatedly. This all depends on being the type of parents you envisioned yourself being, having an honest conversation about the parents you are, and working on yourselves and making peace with myriad ways your parenting roles will evolve, devolve, or remain stagnant. Be present and be prepared for all three possibilities and even more to manifest.
If you’re investing in creating and seeing positive change in this world, your labor will not be in vain. Even if it’s not reflected in your children, having an honest conversation on what you’re working with can make all the difference in how high school graduates strive to acquire the skills and tools to not just survive in this world, but thrive. Your ability to remain grounded and committed to supporting them and working on yourselves means that you’re committed to doing the work. Your job may not be done, but it can transition to something more meaningful, in which you know that your work as individuals and parents is making a difference, and both you and your high school graduates will eventually get there. If you’re fortunate you’ll be in deep gratitude during every leg of your respective and collective journeys—even the painful ones.