By Dr. Christine A. Pinnock
Are you wedded to the belief that your high school graduate should be going to college because that’s what one is supposed to do? Were you frustrated with constantly reminding your child to wake up for school, or riding them to complete homework assignments or turn in the completed assignments during your teenager’s high school years? Did you have to drag them along to college visits like you were Quasimodo dragging his load around campus? Save your energy and transform that aggida into patience and embrace the energy of the acceptance. Your high school graduate is not ready for college. Repeat after me: My high schooler is not ready for college right now and that’s okay. Let that sink in.
Over ten years ago I had a very uncomfortable conversation with my in-laws about their youngest son and his lack of engagement in his academics. I can remember that his mother didn’t speak to me for several weeks when I told her to save her money because her son wasn’t’ ready for college. He’d flunked out of one state school and they transferred him to a local public college, which he proceeded to flunk out of as well.
A few years ago I also remember having a similar conversation with my sister about my nephew being academically gifted but not emotionally mature for college, and while she acknowledged his indifference towards his studies, she was hell bent on him going to college because what else was he going to do? He was going to be late entering the workforce? I wondered who is in a rush to work? Once you start you never start? I said to myself, this is crazy yet I continued to listen to a bevy of excuses of why he needed to go to college, and those excuses were often mixed with complaints about his lack of initiative when it came to looking for schools. No college professor gets paid enough money to babysit your college student, I don’t care how much money you’re paying.
If your high schooler displays a lack of enthusiasm about the future, save your money on those application fees, and put those funds in an interest-bearing account, or buy them a whole life insurance policy that you’re committed to making payments on for the next 5 years, or until they’re able to get a job of their own and be financially independent. You’ll thank me later.
The reflections listed above are not unique to teenage boys, they can happen to teenagers of all genders and sexual orientations. The point is, as a parent, at some point you have to look at the child you raised and recognize that some teenagers are cut from certain cloth, and if your teenager is unenthusiastic about school, accept that they are not ready for school at this time. They do not have the necessary skills and tools to succeed in college, but that doesn’t mean they never will. They just don’t have those tools right now. You didn’t raise a teenager with an alpha personality, you didn’t raise a teenager who’s academically inclined. Sometimes for all the hard work you put in, you still have a decent kid, who’s not an asshole. Be grateful, and then tell them to get a job, have them pay some household expenses and charge them rent. Prepare them for life on the non-academic job market with only a high school diploma. I can guarantee, one out of five things will happen:
- Your now semi-adult child will love the routinization of work despite only working minimum wage and will somehow accommodate to living or struggling to have a “comfortable life.”
- Your semi-adult child will get so pissed off from having to take directions from a manager whose name is only spoken when preceding or following words like: idiot, stupid, expletive, expletive, moron, expletive, etc. They will be so frustrated they will decide to investigate what it takes to have that managerial job that they could do and probably do perform better than the manager that they take orders from. This period of frustration propels them to somebody’s community college or four-year school and they now have a purpose and focus in life. Sometimes it’s knowing the reality of one’s options that becomes the great motivator.
- They will loaf around doing nothing, wasting their life away and teetering with depression as they see their peers moving forward.
- They will recognize that they have to skills to succeed in a trade and will diligently work towards obtaining financial security in some vocational or trade school or program.
- Lastly, your semi-adult child will bounce from one crappy job to the next, until they decide to become an entrepreneur and strike out on their own. This was the case with my in-laws, and while the young man questioned his future, he actually decided to focus on what he didn’t want and what the ideal conditions of his knowledge production process was. He chose an accredited online program, earned his bachelor’s degree and now runs a successful personal training business. My older sister always reminded him that sometimes in life, knowing what you don’t want is just as important as knowing what you do want.
Parents talk to you children and save yourself the aggravation later. Is your teenager destined to live life as a pauper? Not necessarily, but honestly with this economy, the rising costs of living, suppressed wages, the costs to attend college, and exorbitant student loan debt, many of us are destined for pauperism no matter how much education we have, but we should at least feel fulfilled and passionate about what we do even if we never attain wealth. Have a frank conversation about what your children want in life, and then speak to them about the skills and tools they need to acquire to reach their goals.
If by the tenth grade your high schooler still has no clue what they want to do, I’m asking you to put on your researcher’s hat and study your kids to learn what their gifts and talents are, and once you identify them try to get them involved in activities in which their gifts will shine. Being super critical of teens doesn’t produce exceptional adults, it produces young adults and mature adults who suffer from depression and feelings of inadequacy. My late Jamaican father never told us he wanted us to be anything other than not-worthless. He emphasized that whatever we did, that we should do it to the best of our ability, and if our “job was to be di garbage picker, yu betta be di best garbage picker out deh! NOBODY should be able to pick garbage betta than yu!”
What my father was instilling in us as children was the importance of cultivating our own standards of excellence. His lessons have carried us through life almost thirty years after his death. If your teenager is unenthused about life, perhaps they’re suffering from depression, because at some point, every individual—barring dealing with severe trauma, gets excited about something. I also suggest that parents you take some time to do some self-reflection, and if your desire to get your kid into a college at all costs is based on keeping up with the Jones’ or maintaining appearances, then be prepared for paying for two therapists, because that’s exactly where you and your college dropout are going to end up.
Place realistic expectations on your teenagers and recognize that they days of having careers for 30+ years in the same field are over. Most young people will have at least 8-10 career changes and if that’s the case, the discussion in high school shouldn’t just be about choosing the right college, it should be about making the appropriate decisions so they can have a financially secure future. Tune in for more blog posts at bflys.com